Dear Loved Ones,
While I was pondering I realized that though I thankfully still had time, I still wasn't where I wanted to be by the end of my mission. I felt like there was this person Heavenly Father wanted me to become that I hadn't measured up to. I felt like I could almost see this glorious glowing light of what I could become, but I wasn't there. As I sat there on that train I felt a desire to rise up and become that person, become that missionary who has given their whole heart to the work.
During the Whiting conference, and afterwards as I talked about it I got powerful revelation for exactly what the Lord wanted me to do. I realized that the past several months I had been trying so hard to improve myself, to become better by focusing on this plan or on that goal, but I always felt like I had been falling short, like there was something missing, and I wasn't sure what it was.
I remembered a past self I once was on the mission over a year ago, I remembered this powerful light I had had and this focus on other people I had had, I was young, but there was this...something ...that I felt I was missing now.
During the conference Elder Whiting spoke of a petition with God. Something where you don't just ask God for a gift, but you tell him what you will do with it. "If you ask me if you can borrow my car I'm going to ask you what you will do with it, if you want to go as fast as you can you aren't getting it! But if you tell me you need to go give a blessing to a sick person who had been in an accident I'm giving my keys"
We petition God for the best gift and then tell him what we will do with that gift, what are we going to do for Him.
So I pondered about these things and what I was missing. I realized that these last few months I had been focused not so much on others, but trying to change myself. I seemed to think it was me that changes me instead of the atonement. But I felt this promise from Heavenly Father that if I gave my all for Him then He would change me and bring me to that light I wanted to be essentially,
"For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it."
So the next morning I kneeled down and I made that petition, I prayed with all my heart that God would make me through the atonement that person He wanted me to be, to bring me to that light, and I promised that if He did that from here on out I would forget about improving myself, forget whether I was doing good or bad, forget myself, and simply give my 100% to loving and serving his children and doing His work. I trust that He will make me who I want to be, I just need to forget myself, and give my all to Him.
This 100% consecration to God is really the only way to true light and happiness, whether it's on the mission or at home. This is where I want to be, the rest of my life.